Holy mother of god. I just stumbled upon my daughter's blogs on her my Space page. Now she's given me access to that apge and in fact, she created my page for me so so that we could both have a My space page.
So i know two things. One: she thinks she doesn't care that I see what she writes on her page, and TWO: she thinks I'll protect myself and avoid prying into stuff I don't want to see.
And she's right on both counts, except for the fact that on occasion, I'm going to look at stuff I don't want to look at. It's that rubber necking effect. You see some god awful wreck and want to turn away but dont' until you've seen the decapitated head on the road.
So tonight I looked. But I dont' think she's had her blogs up before, but maybe she has, some are dated 2007 and 2006 even, so maybe they have been there all along. but some are most current, i can tell by the names and references to events.
Wow what a bunch of mixed feelings are running through me now. My first (but actually last thought but I had it so that it could control all thoughts about what I read) thought was it's her blog and if I read it, I keep my mouth shut. I can mention I read this part or that part and if she wants to talk more, than so be it. But she is a 23 year old adult, a "saver of lives," and she's my peer in a way. If I treat her with respect, then I dont' jump on her like a mother, although i am a mother, her mother, and that is my most worthy, bestest thing in the world. but I'm a differnet kind of mom now.
anyway, I digress. and lord, lord, how she writes just like I do, only much much much better. She is so artistic. So I was right, I do know my daughter. When she told me she was going to nursing school I was shocked. I said, I always pictured you doing something artistic. She was always artistic, I didn't know it about her writing, though. But one of her art teachers, that she could not stand, told me in such a bitchy way that Rachael had talent. The teacher told me as if it pained her to have to admit that a student she could not stand was talented. When I told Rachael, she said, 'what do you expect the teacher to tell you, you're my mother," implying that the teacher was lying to me to suck up.
But aha, she was not wrong. Rachael is very talented. But it's more verbal than visual, i "see" that now. :)
what a poet. What an essayist. OMG. What a way with words. I guess I never knew because she never shared writing with me.
and I always took for granted her intelligence. I just assumed that all kids thought and talked like she did.
I spawned a genius. forgive me for the pride washing over me right now, the warm, hot gush, similar to what begat her, similar to what got her out here. strong, strong, strong emotions. hugely strong. hugely good.
This birth is a, no the connection with God or whatever name she goes by. there were so many other signs (cats, for god's sakes, how can you not believe in "god," when you know cats?) but Rachael was the crowning glory. I still don't know what or why or why. I just know that there is something going on.
Every time someone says that she looks just l ike me, I swell up with that pride thing.
I can't begin to describe what I feel for her.
And I can say it, knowing that I made choices against that very thing earlier in my life. I cannot hold myself cupable fo rthings I cannot undo, especially to people I do not know.
I see now, but I also see that no one else could have seen for me.
I see "Stacie" with her two girls, 14 and 10 and see how she raises those girls and I ask, "would they have been better off to have been angels earlier? or reincarnated into better homes?
not being God, I cannot answer these questions. not being god, I cannot pass judgement, either on myself or on "stacie"